The Struggles of a Wanna-be Tartuvian Semiotician – Blog entry #38
A Llama Among Alpacas
After hours, days, even weeks of hard work, I was waiting with googly eyes in front of my laptop screen for a response about my submitted masterpiece. A beautiful work, enticing and intricately structured. Endearing words were expected, but I was going to settle for a simple acceptance as well… and perhaps an honourable mention… While listening to some music, and being in a fantastic mood, the reply came “What is this Alpaca? This is not a serious work! You need to redo everything!” accompanied by detailed feedback, which I didn’t even bother to look at after those harsh words. And just like that my world came crashing down.
Imagine that one time in school, when you wanted to join a group of kids, but they laughed in your face before turning their backs on you, because you weren’t cool enough for them. Or the time that you recorded yourself singing your favourite song, thinking you gave the performance of your life, only to hit the play button and face the horrible reality. And hear all the off key notes your cracky voice hit. Think of the time you were waiting in line to get into the fancy new club in town, only to hear the bouncer telling you that you do not fit in, and it is a “no” from him. Bring to memory the moment you opened up your heart, confessed your love and appreciation towards that very special person in your life, and then saw the discomfort in their face, and suddenly regret your life choices. The time you decided to bake a cake because, come on, how hard can it be?, and you messed up so badly that even an autopsy could not determine that it was supposed to be a cake. What about every time you drew the perfect right eye of a portrait, only to destroy your creation with the most anatomically incorrect and aesthetically unpleasant left one? Well, if you could combine all these moments into one wave of rejection, you can understand the slap I felt on my face.
Unsurprisingly, my initial reaction was denial. It cannot be… there must have been a mistake. And then, a hot steam of anger filled my body. It was so obvious at that time that whoever made that decision, could not get the brilliance of my work. After so many hours of dedicated and focused work, of creative brainstorming and examination of every little detail, it is absurd that there would be any corrections, let alone a rejection; even more so such a rude response! “What is this Alpaca?” Well, Ms. Editor: It’s my blood sweat and tears that I gracefully laid in your hands! That’s what it is! I felt so overwhelmed and hurt… but mostly confused. I started questioning myself, my confidence, my prior view of my work. Was it really ever as good as I imagined? Am I even as good as I think I am?
And these thoughts, opened all the doors and windows for my inner saboteur to come out and play. At this point, the bubbly and up-beat music that was filling my room, was annoying to my ears. I closed all my devices and curled myself into a chubby ball on my bed. I am just an imposter… A llama among great beautiful alpacas! I should have known. And I am not going to lie; tears fell down my eyes, until I fell asleep.
The next few days passed in slow motion, or rather like I was moving underwater. All sounds muffled, all people seemed and felt distant, and everything was overwhelming. My friends were by my side, but I didn’t want to hear any words of support and encouragement, since at that point I was convinced I don’t deserve any of that. They are just saying so because I am their friend. Eventually, time would do its tricks, and as life goes on without waiting for you to recover your heartaches, I would get distracted at some point and finally find my good mood and willingness. Even though at that time I was struggling to find any meaning in my everyday activities, I knew deep down inside that this too will pass. However, a sudden encounter changed the pace of the story dramatically!
Just as I was returning home, sensei Alpaca was walking towards me. I looked down trying to move as quickly as possible pass him, but he stopped me and said the following “Alpaca, I know you don’t want to hear this, but you cannot be upset about the results you didn’t get from a work you didn’t do. It is okay to make mistakes; if it is important to you, you will find a way, and if not you will make excuses. Have a nice day!”
Reaching home, I went straight to my bed, my new comfortable and safe space. I pondered over the words that were thrown in my face, but also, I managed perhaps for the first time to listen beyond them, to read between the lines, and to feel the intent that was hidden among them. I stood up and went straight to my laptop; I carefully read the feedback, and after this psychologically exhausting journey, I actually resonated with most of it. Indeed, I spent a tremendous amount of time working on my “masterpiece” but perhaps it was time to admit that I was walking in a wrong direction. Sometimes, the effort is not enough to justify, excuse, or save the results.
Reflecting a bit more, I realized, that my world was bound to crash due to my high expectations on the one hand, but also my inner and deeper lack of confidence. Rejection hurts, not only because of the dedication and devotion you put in your project, or all the feelings, care, affection and dreams you wholeheartedly placed in a person; it also hurts because the moment someone rejects you, this dismissal gets out of proportion. It becomes a big invalidation of your whole self, especially when you haven’t worked enough with your inner world. The little saboteur that lurks and waits for the moment to pop up and ruin your life is always going to be there, until you shoo him away, by explaining and convincing him that you know your worth. The imposter syndrome that creeps up with every little failure and every stressing task will always re-appear, unless you make it clear to yourself that you deserve your place and position. You are where you are supposed to be, and as any other creature you will make mistakes, you will fall, and you will eventually stand up stronger.
Of course, sometimes unavoidably people are going to point out these mistakes, but it is their job to do so. Perhaps what you ought to yourself to do is to know how to look beyond harsh words, not take things personally, and see every mistake as an opportunity for improvement and development. A learning experience, instead of an attack, a blunt heartless rejection, and an invalidation.
Think about the times after you didn’t join the “cool” kids in school, you realized that you wouldn’t fit in with them either way, and you met your best friend that you are still in touch with up until today. Remember how you just embraced in the end your voice as it is, and had fun with your closed ones screaming your favourite songs together during a karaoke night, not caring to impress anyone – not even yourself. Think of the times that you did get into the club, sometimes it was great, while others time you felt suffocated, cramped, and you spent so much money it gave you a second headache to match your hangover the next day. But, also, the times you stayed in and watched a nice movie drinking hot tea, snuggling under your warm blanket were nice. Think about the times you said “I love you” and you heard it back, but also the times that you were the one that rejected someone – hopefully as soft and politely as possible, since you know how it hurts. And finally, think about the stubbornness that made you not give up, the time you spent perfecting that cake, and the moment you developed your own artistic style, expressed yourself, and figured out how to benefit from your weaknesses.
In the end, after reading the feedback and using it as my guide, I did work again on my masterpiece. I was ready for more feedback and corrections, but this time it wasn’t needed. It was ready, and I finally re-discovered that I am indeed a brave alpacha.
Photo Credit: Karley Saagi